Sunday, June 19, 2016

#HAPPYFATHERSDAY


YOU WON'T GET IT CAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED
🚫DENY🚫DENY🚫DENY🚫DENY🚫

 Went to church this morning and of course once I left my burdens were lifted and my heart was softer.  Honestly if my pastor hadn't mentioned it I wouldn't have ever known it was Father's Day.

That says a lot considering I have two.  
And they both have birthdays on Feb 4. (Le sigh)

So since the pastor prayed for the parents and single parents and those who don't have a good relationship with their fathers, it got me to thinking.  I said to myself, "Self!" My self said "Hmmm?" (Tyler Perry's Meet The Browns... the play OF COURSE!). I said Karla, it is once again time to lay all things aside, forgive and honor your 'father' by giving him a personal phone call...not a text, not a FB post, but a genuine 'hear my voice, I'm taking time out for you' call.  Last time I spoke to my dad, that 'raised' me,  was over a year ago when I told him I needed some help and he told me he was in a meeting and would call me back.   

(My birth father who I just met 10 years ago, is doing time for rape and drugs.  I write him occasionally but have yet to meet him face to face.) 

After a week of waiting I finally texted him and asked if his meeting was over.  His response: "Yes, it is." Nothing more. LoL. Wow!  I should try that with my kids. It really hurt because I REALLY needed help and RARELY asked anything of him. Lord, I pray that you never let me get so successful or caught up in material things that they become more important to me than the people around me who are in need.

It's sad when married couples get divorced and the kids are like a ping pong ball in the middle.  Especially when there are also step parents involved. Yikes! I remember going to my dad's house and wanting to yawn everytime he felt the need to recall how my mom wronged him.  My mom was the same way.  I'm 43 now and to this day I'm careful about mentioning certain things to them about the other cause I know it will add at least another 20 minutes to our conversation. I especially hated when my mom would unload her negative feelings on me about him and then the next day be like "You should call your dad!", all chipper like.  Took me awhile to realize it was usually around child support time. How the hell was I expected to have a healthy relationship with my parents when I had all this poison in my system?

My parents got divorced when I was 3 and dad got remarried and started having kids right away.  As I got older I felt like the frustration my dad had for my mom put up a wall between us.  And once my step mom had kids I remember struggling to find my place.  I often felt like Cinderella since I had to do certain tedious chores after they could no longer afford a maid.  Who the hell has the time to vacuum 800 square feet of carpet in a room that's never used in a zig zag design when the kids just come running through by the end of the day anyway? Dayuuuum! There's nothing in the world that would ever come between me and my kids.  Matter of fact the reason why I filed for divorce is because my ex decided to start putting his hands on my son in an aggressive way.  I had to divorce him so I wouldn't end up in jail.




I would have such anxiety when my mom dropped me off at my dad's house.  While I waited for someone to answer the door I had major butterflies, my hands sweat and my heart raced.  Felt like a semi was getting ready to hit me at a 100 miles and hour and I was paralyzed.  Looking back the only thing I can figure is fear of rejection.  My dad could be really critical.  Painfully critical.  

Matter of fact my sister Quida (bff from high school) still gets a crazy look on her face when I mention him to her. 











And it's for good reason. 



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I would see my little sister jump in his lap and they have this father daughter moment...we never had those moments...it hurts. 






















But what we did have were certain interactions that always left me feeling worse than I did before.  







Don't get me wrong, it wasn't always this way.  But considering I would just go for visits and never really lived with him for any extended amount of time, the negative trumped the positive (dang, that word 'trumped' is starting to have a whole new meaning now. LOL).  For instance, one evening we're all in the kitchen eating dinner and out of the blue he says, 

"Karla, I know what you're thinking..."

'I'm a little chunky, my nose is big and my hair is nappy'

...but one day...

 (he put his hands together as if to imitate some kind of magician Hocus Pocus presentation wth sound effects)

       🌠🌟✨"PSHHHHHH!!!!"✨🌟🌠

"... it's going to all come together for you!"

Humph!  Some presentation...Cause all I got from it was that I was not up to par...in case I didn't know it before.  For those who don't understand the power of words and praising your children...this is a perfect example of what NOT to do.  All I was trying to do was eat my f#cking chicken.  Here it is 30 years later and I remember it like it was yesterday. We were eating KFC.  

A couple of years ago I asked him about it... 


What's that on the ground...oh it's only your heart, 'scuse me!
How bout them Lakers?
        
 ...he said he didn't recall that ever happening...


So I guess it doesn't really carry any weight right?  LOL. A burden is a burden regardless.  The tongue kills more people than knives, guns and bombs.

So within 5 minutes into our phone conversation this afternoon I once again had a little regret because as in previous conversations he started talking to me like a friend or neighbor bragging about how well his kids were doing, asking if my kids dad was paying child support, asking what kind of car I drive (I know my Kia can't hold a candle to his brand new Benz and my brother's seven cars 👍), yada yada. I know we haven't spoken in a while but must there always be an interrogation?  And how the hell you gonna question another man's ability to pay child support when... I digress. When you know the person you are talking to is struggling, certain things are better  left unsaid.  Why would I smack my lips, lick my fingers and exclaim, "Mmmm, Mmmm! That meal I just had was the bomb!", after the person I'm talking to just told me they hadn't eaten in days??? FOH!!! 

To add insult to injury I find out that my brother got married:

Me: I never got an invitation
Dad: A lot of people didn't get invitations.
Me: But I'm his sister
Dad: Well you know his wife was handling everything.
Me: Well did (his other sister) get one?
Dad: Yeah she was there
Me: Doesn't make sense
Dad: Well a lot of people on my list didn't get invited.
Me: Was I on your list?
Dad: Yes, you were.

I have a hard time believing it but...

                       

So I will end this post by wishing my dad#1... 

(more about dad#2 in another post, yep it just gets gooder and gooder)

...a ✨🌟HAPPY FATHER'S DAY🌠🌟✨!!!

Once I told my dad that I would have a hard time getting him a card. I would probably take a big black marker and line through the mushy crap that didn't apply like "Thanks for always being there...". All that would remain on the card is my signature at the bottom.  I know he'll see this cause he says he always keeps up with me on Facebook. Humph! Guess I can't complain that 'trumps' a phone call ...literally LOL.  Also I must thank him for giving me my writing prompt for the day.  I know at the end of the day forgiveness is the rule.  It's for me not him.



📖STAY IN THE WORD📖
💞STAY BLESSED💞



















1 comment:

Quida Thornton said...


I feel justified in my lack of sensitivity towards my pops. I didn't even bother calling my dad for Father's Day...I guess if he picked up the phone to call me every once and a while things would be different. Sorry all out of olive branches🌿 Just when you think you've reconciled that little girl who wanted so much to be a daddy's girl resurfaces. 👧🏾